My Pink Carnation

This flower has soul, stick with me for a little bit of dribble here if you have a second and you will get it. I promise!

I started this piece with a google search of a message I wanted to paint. I wanted a flower that symbolised an experience I had and many of you have too. I wanted to find a flower that represented love and loss.

I found the pink carnation, which according to the all knowing Google, it means “A mothers love” and/or “I will never forget you”.

Perrrrrfect! It is destiny…

So my WHY, my story….

It’s been a year since we lost baby #3. The irony of it was that it was the first day of infant loss awareness week. Go figure!! We knew it was happening as our baby had died a few weeks prior and we were just waiting for my body to finally let it go. It sounds so crass but it just is! I had only just come to terms with the fact I was pregnant and then 12 weeks to the day, it was over…

Before you start with the condolences and all that, we are fine! Seriously!!! We are good! I am relieved (I’m sorry little baby if you are somewhere out there and can read this). I was terrified of having another child. I was not prepared and it was a total surprise.

When it finally happened and it was all over I had such a sense of relief that was almost immediately  replaced by massive guilt. I know, I know many people would kill for this pregnancy and would be destroyed at the loss, I get it don’t make me feel worse! We beat ourselves up all the time about this type of thing. Yes, I know about contraception but sometimes one sneaks past to the keeper and there is nothing you can do about it.

You know what. It’s ok to not feel bad that you lost a baby and it’s also ok to be devastated too. It is what it is and everyone has their lot in life. 12 months on, sometimes I wish I had that extra set of hands to hold. I see friends babies who were due at the same time and their babies are strong and healthy and that’s ok to have a sense of loss, sadness…. Then I snap out of it and remember that I couldn’t manage another.

My point is, everyone has a story. I am the 1 in 4. We love, we have loved and we have lost. This pink carnation I chose to do because it symbolises, a mothers love. A time I will never forget. I will always wonder what could have been. I look at this piece and I remember.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.